From Failure to Enthusiasm

Guest Post

By Andy

"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm." —Winston Churchill

One of the reasons I love this quote, is because for many of us, being able to keep our enthusiasm up in the midst of trying times can be very difficult to achieve. But once you figure out how to never lose it, no matter how hard life can get, it will mark the difference between giving up and succeeding. I love this quote and remind myself every time that sobriety success is shaped by my attitude. In this post I’m going to take you through my personal sobriety journey.

The Addict/Alcoholic

When I was 4 years old my parents made the life changing decision of moving from Colombia to California. It was 1986 and the situation in my country was scary and very violent. Upon arrival in California my parents took on many jobs to be able to provide for me and my siblings; they worked really hard to make sure we would have a life full of opportunities.

The great thing about latinos is that culturally not only are we very hard working people, but we are also very happy people who love to party. And of course, no Colombian party is ever complete without that anise-flavored drink called Aguardiente. Not that all Colombian’s are drunks, it’s just simply something they enjoy once in awhile, when there’s a good excuse to celebrate.
The first time I got drunk was at a family friend’s house party when I was nine years old. I was always a pretty mischievous kid, therefore at the party my cousin and I played a game to see who could steal more shots of aguardiente without getting caught.

After a few shots I was feeling very different inside. I felt comfortable, more secure, I danced salsa with my sister and all my cousins, I felt great. From that night on I drank every time I had the chance.
At 15 a friend introduced me to marijuana. Although today teen drug use is declining, back when I was a teenager the statistic was increasing and at 19 I attended a party and some guys introduced me to meth and so began the downward spiral. At 23 I found myself incarcerated in Idaho on drug related charges for two years.

You might be wondering why I left so many parts of the story untold. Well, I’m not writing this to reminisce on war stories, being eight years sober now I believe myself to be a bit wiser and truth be told, a little tired of recounting my crazy times. Jail in Idaho was the starting point of my recovery, and that is the part of THIS story I really want share.

AA and NA

When you are in prison, any activity that can take you out of your cell is welcomed with open arms. So when I was told that I could attend the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings I did not hesitate. At the time I was not interested in recovery, in fact, I thought I didn't have a drinking problem or substance abuse problem. I just needed to do something else than read in bed. So I attended meetings without participating. It took three months of going to these meetings to realize that I might have a slight drinking and drug problem.

One day, a fellow inmate told the story of how he hit rock bottom. He was a high level accountant abusing drugs in order to deal with the insane amount of work and stress at his job, until one day, having suicidal thoughts, he got drunk and drove his car into a local store. He lost his job, his wife filed for divorce, his family had lost hope (this wasn’t his first run in with the law). He shared that apart from coming to terms with his drug and alcohol problems he had also realized that he also had an anger management problem, he concluded that “rage spawns from anger, anger spawns from hurt, hurt spawns from getting your feelings hurt.”

Like I said before, I thought I didn't have a problem. I was convinced that I was fine, that I wasn’t hurting anyone. But thanks to that inmate sharing his story and his realization my eyes were opened: I had hurt the only person I had to live with for the rest of my life and the damage I had done to myself needed to be repaired. I had a drinking problem, a drug problem, a personality problem...a life problem.

The Workaholic

Prison was everything but easy, but attending the AA and NA meetings and the friendships I built helped me get through it. Once I was released I had a new sense of responsibility, I knew I needed to find a job, and be able to provide for myself. But it wasn't easy. Having a criminal record made it a challenge to find a good job, so I struggled for months. And when I finally found one, I was unmotivated and feeling trapped in a routine. Despite attending my AA and NA meetings on a regular basis, I relapsed. I lost my job and life seemed unbearable, hence my voluntary check in to a rehab center in Idaho.

After 3 months in rehab I moved back to California where I landed a job selling knock-off cologne. Being closer to my family helped me immensely, therefore my motivation was higher than ever. I would wake up at 5:00 am to pick-up my co-workers and go to gas stations, shopping center parking lots, flea markets, etc. to sell perfume out of the trunk of my car. After a few months I had become very good at selling. I had learned how to approach strangers, how to pitch my product, make people feel comfortable and how to overcome rejection. The job was purely commission based, thus if I didn’t sell, I didn’t make money. There is a great feeling about making cash on a sale that I cannot really describe. It is a feeling of accomplishment, it is a feeling that I wanted to replicate time and time again. I was determined to keep working harder and harder.

Months went by and next thing I knew I was training more than 10 people to sell perfumes and other beauty products on the street. I had my own office, had ads running in the paper, had a secretary taking calls, etc. In that year I had lost ten pounds, I had zero friends, and I barely saw my family.

After a long conversation with a friend he presented me with a book by Jeffery Combs called Psychologically Unemployable (Jeffery is also a recovering addict). One of the most important things said is that you should never confuse obsession with passion. After reading it and studying it for a few weeks, I understood that I had simply traded drugs and alcohol for work. It was an addiction and it wasn't any better. I was getting physically sick and emotionally unstable from the pressure I was putting on myself.

The Entrepreneur

I sold my perfume business and moved into my parents house. It was really important in my road to recovery to have their support. After a month I got a job at Target, so I could help my parents pay the bills and have some sort of income. I had no passion for that job whatsoever, and I was completely unmotivated in that point of my life. I couldn't find balance between success and a healthy, happy life. Being afraid of relapsing I started attending weekly AA/NA meetings. I acquired a really good sponsor that I am very grateful for. He gave me the task of taking a class at the local community college.

At the time I was not very happy to do the task. I felt old and I thought there was no point in taking a measly course. I just wanted to go to work, do my job and pay my bills, that was it. Nevertheless, I forced myself to take a class. The class I took was called Introduction to Website Development (HTML). I liked computers and websites, so I thought, why not give it a shot?

You should have seen my bedroom after three months in the class. I had stacks of books and papers about HTML and website design. I found myself at the computer for hours, coding, creating, learning. Finally, one day I thought to myself that it would be great if I could make a business out of my new acquired skill.

Nine years later I co-own a successful digital marketing agency. I have a great team that I feel are like my family, in fact, my brother is part of it. We are based in Medellin, Colombia, which means my life has taken a 180 degree turn. 30 years ago my parents left Colombia to give my siblings and I a better life, now I am back with that better life.

I still go to meeting and try to keep in touch with some of the good friends I made on my way to recovery. We always give each other support during rough times. Being sober has become a part of my life now. My attitude defines me and I do not let anything take control of my emotions, it only gets easier with time. I have learned to attend dinner parties and skip the wine; to dance with my colombian friends and kindly decline those beers and still enjoy myself. In regards to my business, I didn't let myself get lost while pursuing success. I have learned that balance is what makes you successful. Being able to work hard for months enjoying what you do, but also taking a weekend off to recharge has proven to be a critical part of my work-life balance. I feel very fortunate because I went out and found something I was passionate about, put my skills and knowledge to work and built a business. Sobriety, just like building a business, does not happen overnight, one has to commit to it and work hard.

It’s Not All About You

When you are in the process of recovering, every single thing you do to maintain your sobriety seems to be about you. Every one of the 12 steps you complete, every single task or piece of homework your sponsor gives you, every book or article you read is all about you and your recovery. But after a while you realize, there's a bigger picture. And going back to that Winston Churchill quote, "Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm," learning that failing is just a part of the process. Behind the most successful people are years of failure, even if it's on their way to sobriety or on their way to being a successful entrepreneur. The issue is not failing, since we all will go through it, it's to never lose enthusiasm. Good luck and thank you for reading my story.

Graphics: https://pocketperspectives.com

Craving Relief

Why is it so hard for addicts to say “enough?”

One of the useful things that may yet come out of the much-derided DSM-5 manual of mental disorders is the addition of craving as a criterion for addiction. “Cravings,” writes Dr. Omar Manejwala, a psychiatrist and the former medical director of Hazelden, “are at the heart of all addictive and compulsive behaviors.” Unlike the previous two volumes in this monthful of addiction books, Manejwala’s book, Craving: Why We Can’t Seem To Get Enough,  focuses on a specific aspect common to all addiction syndromes, and looks at what people might do to lessen its grip.

Why do cravings matter? Because they are the engine of addiction, and can lead people to “throw away all the things that really matter to them in exchange for a short-term fix that is often over before it even starts.” When Dr. Manejwala asked a group of patients to explain what they were thinking when they relapsed, their answer was often the same: “I was so STUPID.” But the author had tested these people. “I knew their IQs.” And the best explanation these intelligent addicts could offer “was the one explanation that could not possibly be true.”

In my book, The Chemical Carousel, I quoted former National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) director T.K. Li on the subject of craving: “We already have a perfect drug to make alcohol aversive—and that’s Antabuse. But people don’t take it. Why don’t they take it? Because they still crave. And so they stop taking it. You have to attack the other side, and hit the craving.” However, if you ask addicts about craving when they are high, or have ready access, they will often downplay its importance. It is drug access unexpectedly denied that sets up some of the fiercest cravings of all. Conversely, many addicts find that they crave less in a situation where they cannot possibly score drugs or alcohol—at a health retreat, or on vacation at a remote locale.

Why are cravings so hard to explain? One reason is that “people use the word to mean so many different things.” You don’t crave everything you want, as Manejwala points out. Cravings are not the same as wants, desires, urges, passions, or interests. They are “stickier.” The brain science behind craving starts with the downregulation of dopamine and other neurotransmitters. As the brain is artificially flooded with neurotransmitters triggered by drug use, the brain goes into conservation mode and cuts back on, say, the number of dopamine receptors in a given part of the brain. In the absence of the drug, the brain is suddenly “lopsided,” and time has to pass while neural plasticity copes with the new (old) state of affairs. In the interim, the unbalanced state of affairs is a prime ingredient in the experience of craving.

Cravings are “disturbingly intense” (Manejwala) and “incomprehensibly demoralizing” (AA). Alcohol researcher George Koob called craving a state of “spiraling distress.” Cravings are not necessarily about reward, but about anticipating relief. “The overwhelming biological process in addictive craving is really a complex set of desperate, survival-based drives to feel ‘normal,’” says Manejwala.

The late Alan Marlatt, a psychologist who studied cravings for years, proposed that apparently irrelevant decisions could trigger or prevent relapse, almost without the addict knowing it. Turning left at an intersection, toward the supermarket, or turning right, toward the liquor store, can feel arbitrary and dissociated from desire. We also know that environmental cues can trigger craving, such as the site of a crack house where an addict used to do his business. Manejwala points to research showing that “some relapses related to cues and context are mediated by a small subgroup of neurons in the medial prefrontal cortex,” and suggests that it may be possible in the future to target this area with drug therapy.

Manejwala is unabashedly pro-12 Step, and favors traditional group work as the standard therapy. For example, he points to a Cochrane analysis of 50 trials showing that group participation roughly doubles a smoker’s chance of quitting. One of the reasons AA works for some people is that AA attendance reduces “pro-drinking social ties.” Simply put, if you are sitting with your AA pals in a meeting, you’re not out with your drinking buddies at the tavern. The author admits, however that alternatives such as SMART recovery work for some people, and that “sadly, much energy has been wasted as members of these various organizations bicker with each other about which works best, and this leaves the newcomer perplexed…. Over 20 million American are in recovery from addiction to alcohol and drugs. I can tell you this much: they didn’t all do it the same way.”

And along the way, you can be sure that all of them became familiar with cravings. Manejwala offers several strategies for managing cravings, and I paraphrase a few of them here:

—Join something. Participate. Get out of your own head and become actively involved in some group, any group, doing something you are interested in.

—Hang around people who are good at recovery. Long-timers, with a solid base of sobriety. You will not only learn HOW to do it, but that it CAN be done.

—Write stuff down. This makes you pay attention to what you’re doing. Keep a cigarette log. Count calories. Know what you’re spending per month on alcohol. Educate yourself about your addiction.

—Tell someone. Tell somebody you trust, because if there is anything harder than dealing with cravings from drinking, smoking, or drugging, it’s doing it in secret.

—Be teachable. Watch out for confirmation bias. “When you think you have the answers, it’s hard to hear alternatives.”

—Empathy matters. The author notes that the Big Book insists that by gaining sobriety, “you will learn the full meaning of ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’” Altruism may have evolutionary, physiological, and psychological implications we haven’t worked out yet.

What It Means to Say Alcoholism is Genetic

One woman’s journal.

From Insanity to Serenity, by Tommi Lloyd

Excerpts:

"I was born in 1963 in Toronto, Canada, to a family struggling long before I arrived. My dad was an alcoholic, born in Wales in 1921. His father and namesake was also an alcoholic who died at age 28…. My oldest sibling and only brother, Harry, entered a treatment centre at age 36 and has been sober for more than 20 years…. My Uncle Griff died from alcoholism when I was 10 years old…. There were no reprieves by which we spent a day or two in a sober environment. Dad drank from morning until night…. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter—these were some of the worst days of the year…. Santa started leaving a carton of cigarettes next to my stocking at Christmas and I thought it was great.

"I yearned for some quality time before his drinking took center stage for the day… he drank from the minute he got up to the minute he passed out. At the height of his addiction, he was drinking more than 40 ounces of vodka a day…. There were many times when I would walk into the bedroom and see him guzzling the vodka straight from the bottle. It made me feel physical ill and utterly helpless.

"I too, am an alcoholic. In addition to alcohol, my teenage love of marijuana turned into a 30-year affair…. I have two nephews who are addicted to marijuana…. Rather than being sloppy drunks, my nephews opted for the mellow alternative that’s not addictive, (so we like to think) and you can pay for your habit by selling it to your friends.

"By age 11 I tried drinking for the first time…. I recall Susie telling us we could try drinking, but it had to be done quickly so as not to get caught. We poured some very strong rum and cokes and I guzzled mine down by holding my nose with my free hand…. As soon as I lay down on my bed the room started spinning and it wasn’t long before I was throwing up. Mom fussed over me, concluding I had the flu and I recall feeling both happy and guilty at the same time. I loved the attention but felt badly for the cause of my illness. I didn’t drink again for a few years….

"There is nothing more validating for me as a mother than to know I’m an inspiration to my children. I could not have asked for a better gift. This is what sobriety and a renewed spiritual life has brought my children and me…. Intellectually, I recognize how my childhood experiences and the disease of alcoholism molded a lot of my behavior and have been the root of much of my struggle with self-esteem. But self-knowledge does not change our circumstances, action does."

Interview with Deni Carise, Chief Clinical Officer of Phoenix House

Why addiction treatment works—if you let it.

This time around, our “Five-Question Interview” series features clinical psychologist Deni Carise, senior vice president and chief clinical officer at Phoenix House, a leading non-profit drug treatment organization with more than 100 programs in 10 states. Chances are, you may have seen or heard her already: Dr. Carise has been a guest commentator about drugs and addiction for Nightline, ABC’s Good Morning America, Fox News, and local New York media outlets. She is frequently quoted in US News and World Report and other periodicals, blogs at Huffington Post, and has also consulted for the U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime.

Dr. Carise earned her doctorate at Drexel University, and served as a post-doctoral fellow at the Center for Studies of Addiction at the University of Pennsylvania. Currently, she is also adjunct clinical professor in the University of Pennsylvania’s Department of Psychiatry. She has been involved with drug abuse treatment and research for more than 25 years, and has worked extensively in developing countries to integrate science-based drug treatments into local programs. She has worked with adults and adolescent populations including dually diagnosed clients, Native Americans, and with medical populations (including spinal cord-injured, cardiac care and trauma patients).

1. As chief clinical officer for Phoenix House Foundation, what's your job description?

Deni Carise: My main responsibility is to ensure that we provide the highest possible standard of care. This means making sure that treatment methods across our programs are consistent with the latest research, represent a variety of evidence-based practices, and are delivered with fidelity. I also collaborate on the implementation and evaluation of Phoenix House’s national and regional strategies to achieve clinical excellence. My home base is New York, but I work directly with all of our programs and regularly travel to our California, New England, Mid-Atlantic, Texas, and Florida regions. I also oversee the activities of our Family Services, Quality Assurance, Research, Workforce Development, and Training initiatives. Finally, I help Phoenix House spread awareness to the public about the need to reduce the stigma of addiction and to increase access to treatment services.

2. As a clinical psychologist, how did you become involved in drug and alcohol treatment and recovery?

Deni Carise: I actually became involved in the Substance Abuse Treatment (SAT) field prior to becoming a clinical psychologist. When I decided that I wanted to get sober, I got some help from a counselor. This counselor was so helpful to my recovery that I decided to become an SA counselor so that I could assist others on this journey. I was working as a model at that time, and there were a few aspects of that career that I didn’t like: First, it was very clear that I would become less valuable in my career as I got older; secondly, my value was exclusively based on appearance, not knowledge or skills; and finally, my work didn’t contribute to the greater good—that is, no one benefitted by my work. I wanted a new career where I would become more valuable as I got older and more experienced, and where my knowledge and skills would be of value. I also wanted to do something I felt was contributing to society. The SAT field seemed to fit all these criteria.

3. What makes it so difficult for people to accept the disease components of serious drug addiction?

Deni Carise: People have difficulty accepting the disease concept of addiction for three reasons. First, people believe addiction is self-induced; you wouldn’t have it if you didn’t use drugs, right? There is some truth to this, but of all those who try drugs, an estimated 5 to 10% (depending on the drug) will become addicted. There’s a reason why the other 90 to 95% don’t become addicted.

That brings us to reason #2: People generally don’t believe there is a genetic cause. It is now very clear that there is a genetic component to substance use disorders. For example, if a father is an insulin-dependent diabetic, the heritability estimates range from 70 to 90% likelihood that the man’s son will also be diabetic. For hypertension, the heritability estimates are from 25 to 50%, depending which study we look at. For alcohol, the estimates are 55 to 65% likelihood that a young man will be alcohol dependent if his father is. For opiate dependence, it’s 35 to 50%.

The third and probably most important reason is that people think calling addiction a disease absolves the substance abuser of responsibility for his or her actions. Nothing could be further from the truth. Those in recovery see the disease of alcoholism or addiction as a moral obligation to get well. If you know you have this disease and the only way to keep it under control is not to use alcohol or drugs, then that’s what you have to do.

4. Overall, treatment doesn't seem to be that effective. What's missing?

Deni Carise: I believe treatment is effective. We’re just expecting the wrong results. Substance abuse has the same characteristics as any chronic medical disorder. The problem is that we (society, families, even me) want addiction to respond to treatment as though it’s an acute medical problem, like a broken leg or appendicitis. If it were an acute problem, we could send our kids, loved ones, even ourselves to treatment for a set number of days (maybe 7, maybe 28) and leave the hospital or treatment facility with the condition cured—as we would after surgery for an appendicitis! I would love that.

Unfortunately, we’ve been measuring treatment success the same way we would for a surgical problem, even though substance abuse and dependence are, in fact, chronic problems. Think about this—substance abuse treatment success is often measured by symptoms, drug use, and life problems prior to treatment and again six months after treatment ends. Imagine if we measured success of diabetes treatment the same way. We would measure their blood sugar levels, weight, number of diabetic crises, and other related problems before treatment. Then we’d send them off to a treatment program where we would prescribe medications, maybe give them insulin, teach them about a good diet, discharge them (take away that treatment), and measure their blood sugar levels, weight, etc. six months after we stopped the medication. Do we really think that would work with diabetes? Then why would we think it would work with addiction?

As with all chronic disorders, there are no prolonged, symptom-free periods without continued attention and self-management of the illness. Just as some people with diabetes can manage their illness with behavioral changes such as making healthy decisions when offered cakes or cookies, or starting an exercise program, some people with substance abuse problems can control their symptoms by changing their behaviors. This means not being around others who use, making the right decisions when offered alcohol or drugs, etc. For those who can’t do this alone, there’s treatment to teach them how to manage their disease and there are medications to assist them. And I’m talking about the diabetic and the substance abuser.

So treatment can work, but, just like any chronic disease, there’s no quick fix.

5. You're committed to working with developing countries to bring scientifically valid treatment within reach of poorer populations. How is the effort going?

Deni Carise: I’ve been really lucky to be able to consult for numerous treatment systems, universities, and countries around the world—including training clinicians from Nigeria, Thailand, Egypt, Greece, Iran, Singapore, Brazil, China, Iraq, India, and other countries. It’s fascinating to see how different countries approach local substance abuse problems. Some countries have historically asserted that substance abuse is not a problem in their communities, so for them to offer treatment of any kind means they need to change their socipolitical stance. That doesn’t happen quickly. For one country, the diagnosis of AIDS among 7 substance abusers who had shared needles was the impetus to providing treatment.

Much of what I’ve done internationally involves cultural adaptations of standardized instruments or clinical tools (such as the Addiction Severity Index assessment tool) for use within various cultures. To do this, I typically meet with numerous staff who deliver direct services in the country. We go over each assessment question or worksheet item looking at what would make sense in their culture. Types of things that frequently need adapting are questions about education (not everyone has “high schools”), employment and income, demographic questions such as race categories, and all manner of expressions used to describe drugs and clinical symptoms. Then we pilot the new interview or service with some local clients and get their perspective and make a final version.

Much of this work has been funded by the United Nations Office on Drug Use and Crime, the National Institute on Drug Abuse and Office of National Drug Control Policy.